02-15-2006
Happy 2nd Annual Dead Flower Day(and the love problem)
So today marks the 2nd annual Dead Flower Day. In true geeky tradition, I’ve decided to refer to the day that actually inspired Dead Flower Day as the 0th Dead Flower Day. For those who are unaware of the DFD backstory, it’s not important. Just think of it as everything normal people hate about Valentine’s Day. Nothing horrible happened today like last year, but I’m still bitter. The thing is not only does it make losers like me nuts, but even people in (semi/allegedly) happy relationships go nuts over it because everything has to be “perfect” or because they have to bankrupt themselves in some materialistic display of affection(does no one heed the fucking Beatles, man? Heed the fucking Beatles) .
But enough about people in relationships, screw them. To people who complain about how difficult their relationships are, all I can say is “THERE ARE CHILDREN STRAVING IN AFRICA!” I’m not trying to pick on anyone in particular but serious why do people get stuck in this relationship inertia where they have to try and work things out no matter what? I’m not saying you should give up at the first sign of trouble, but when it’s chronic, and everyone is unhappy, when they you ought to heed the fucking Clarks and let it go.
But I’d said enough about relationship people. Let’s talk about my little subgroup of humanity: the people who have never and are quite possibly utterly incapable of doing so. But see the problem is more insidious than it seems. It’s not that I believe it’s impossible for me to be happy and have a relationship(the correlation between those two things is up in the air, but it seems likely). If I did, things would be simple. There’s lots of impossible things that I accept as impossible and move on with my life: e.g. being a non-cripple, being a rock star, seeing a truly free society come to pass (in order of increasing preference) . I accept and move on. But no, the truly fucking terrifying thing is not the I believe the relationship/happiness thing to be impossible, I just don’t think it particularly likely. As a consequence of that, I live in fear that if I don’t make some set of decision correctly and perform some set of actions with sufficient deftness that I’ll miss the (possibly singleton, probably very small, definitely finite) set of opportunities available to me. I may have already missed some of the most optimal ones. I’d imagine some of the best ones will come up in the next few years.
Note that I’m not talking about simple regret: “If only I had done this…….” I can think of any situation where it is likely (possible maybe, but not likely) that if I had acted differently, it would have resulted in a good relationship. No, I’m talking about being ignorant of those missed chances. Ignorance is a scary thing, especially ignorance of how to get that which you want so desperately. No, I’m not one of those idiots who believes I need another person to “complete”(whatever the fuck the means) me(apologizes to said idiots, I will occasionally speak like this metaphorically, but I don’t mean what they mean). What I want is someone to dull the harsh reality of the world. I want a human drug. I used to say I wanted someone to get lost in. I think want I really want is someone to be found in, to discover the parts of myself that that the world suppresses.
I’m not saying it should be easy. It should be hard. It should be hard, it should be a fight worthy of something worth fighting for. But it should be doable(and it is, I’ve seen it happen). And there out to be some sort of manual or walkthrough or quickstart guide or something to give us a fucking clue. People seem to believe that it “just happens,” because they have no fucking clue either. I know this much, if I sit around waiting for it to “just happen,” it never will. But what’s the next step, do I devote myself to the ravenous pursuit of women in hopes that the law of large numbers will make things work out or do I calculate, trying to find those illusive optimal moments where the perfect action makes all the different? I think I lack the emotional mettle for the former and the latter hasn’t served me well at all. The one thing that I can’t bring myself to do, at least not yet, is accept the utter impossibility of it all. Something has to drag my arse out of bed in the “morning.” I’m open to suggestions, particularly suggestions that come in the form of lists of attractive,20ish women with similar interests and low expectations. Just saying.
Happy Dead Flower Day. Official motto: May love save us all (or at least kill us quickly).
-CI
